You don't have to be underwater to be drowning, sometimes you can be drowning in your fears, your insecurities or even under the weight of your responsibilities. So I thought maybe it's time to get out the old blog, there was always something about writing that allowed me to figure things out; so here is a letter to me; I hope one day I look back on this and find that over time I did find what I thought I was missing and because life isn't black and white I found the right colours I was looking for.
Dear You,
I hope you finally have some clarification on things, you always struggled to find the motivation before but hopefully something happened that made you realise that life is what you make it. I know you always wanted to be a Pediatrician and you didn't take that path because it just wasn't right in the end, but I hope you haven't completely given up on helping children because they have always been your weak spot.
Do you remember that orphanage you went to in Arusha? How happy and light you felt when you walked out knowing that you had made a child smile that day, I hope you're doing more of that. Maybe with kids that have someone else's eyes but your smile, you have always wanted to be a mother. I hope you didn't let the fear of a having a broken home change the fact you believe in happy every afters and cheesy romantic cliche's maybe you found that as you made your way onto bigger and better things.
I know you love Journalism now and I hope you do in the future, you used to watch the news and wish that it was you on the front lines telling people how it is. More recently you decided specifically that you want to be a war correspondent, I hope that you did that. That you made your dream a reality no matter how hard it was or how many times somebody else told you no. Don't be you're own worst enemy. I know sometimes you put on a front, a mask to stop yourself being hurt like you have done so many times in the past but I really hope by now you've learnt to let your guard down.
Don't get me wrong girl, I'm not telling you to be a push over again, just to be more open but also strong enough to understand that things won't always go right but when they do it's beautiful. I hope you take long walks often and drop those bad habits you know you have, don't try and deny it. I'm you remember. I am also seriously praying that you are still a little bit crazy and carefree, maybe you still talk to yourself sometimes. Alice in Wonderland taught you that it's okay to be a little mad 'all of the best people are.'
If you are reading this then I hope you remember that the confused young woman that you were wasn't all bad, but that you've grown into the woman you are supposed to be. Keep taking the world by storm, and if you ever get lost or confused again I hope you still have the friends you do now because I think you've found keepers. But if things have changed and you've lost contact with the girls reach out, you never know until you try and that's how you've lost people before. Don't add anyone else to the list of 'oh we used to be close' figure your shit out and remember the people that were there when you needed them most.
I know I'm you and anyone else reading this will be a little confused and probably want to have me committed to an asylum but please know those people aren't worth the time you spent writing this down. It's something you needed at the time and if you never look back at this then maybe that shows it helped in someway.
I hope you find the right path.
Sincerely yours,
D
p.s I really hope that you still love R M Drake
'The beauty of not knowing how you feel is that one day you will realise that not knowing was the only way that you would find all the feelings that were meant to stay'
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