Fleeting

Time is moving fast in my world, maybe it is moving just as fast in everyone elses' but I am not them, therefore can not make an overall assumption. Nonetheless I feel like I am losing more time than I ever have, college days are long and tedious but I go because I have bigger aspirations in life than joining the British Benefit System and then never moving from my couch. Also the company at college doesn't make it all half bad, apart from the natural stress that is education, college also happens to be my perfect down time, where learning follows closely in second behind socialising.

Anyway, so Easter break finished last week and as well as consuming a heck of a lot of Easter Eggs and junk I also managed to get up to other things that left me feeling less than 'proud' of myself. Self-degradation is the worst, but on another note I noticed I've been living for a lot of the wrong things recently. There is more beauty and innocence to life than aiming for 3 second highs and part time sexual gratification. Both states of euphoria are fleeting and instead of an immortal high a person comes crashing down the instant they feel comfortable in their state of 'happiness', and they come crashing down hard. If the poetry I study in English Lit has taught me anything, it is that time can not be captured for a moment, it is a 'winged chariot' that stops for no man.

But as I sat between friends this holiday I realised that maybe time doesn't last forever but ironically moments do, because moments are carried through as memories and one day you are looking back and smiling, or maybe even crying but that memory, that moment is just as fresh as the when it first happened. That is the funny thing about time, you can't make it stop, but you can make every moment count.

I've been stuck in a mental rut recently where emotions have been running high, mistakes have been made and I have been left questioning what happened to the girl that saw good in almost everyone and everything. I have become the worst kind of cynic. But in doing so I have realised something about myself, I am a hopeless romantic with a filthy mind and very high standards, these qualities make it easy for me to be taken advantage of, but they also make it difficult to tell what is real or what is working because it meets the tick list.

It's all of the realisation and conclusion that I have reached that made me realise that every hour is getting longer because I over analyse every second, this is my turn to step back... stop being so damn depressive on this thing and get my mojo back. So instead of bloodshot eyes, painkillers I don't need and black thoughts I'm going to step up and be a grown up about life. Yes, time is moving too quickly and not necessarily in the direction I want it to, but that is life. It's harsh, it's cruel and sometimes it makes us question why we even bother going through each painstaking stage that we do but at the end of the day time is pretty much like the sun in England, it disappears just as we are figuring out what to do with it.

Therefore from this moment on, time shall not be wasted, revision shall be done, forms shall be filled and I will get into the university of my choosing and leave this smoke filled haze of an existence behind, or so one can dream.

"We collect data, things, people, ideas, profound experiences, never penetrating any of them ... But there are other times. There are times when we stop. We sit still. We lose ourselves in a pile of leaves or its memory. We listen and breezes from a whole other world begin to whisper."

-James Carroll