Innocence

When you look into the eyes of a child there is an unmistakable innocence that shines through and you realise just how simple life should be. It sad to admit though, in the end innocence becomes nothing but a distant memory; and I when I talk about innocence I'm not talking about abstaining from sex, drug and alcohol  because let's face it, staying away from that doesn't make you any less innocent. What I am talking about is the moment you realise that the world isn't perfect, the moment we realise that 'happy ever after' doesn't always mean forever, it's the moment we realise that animals can't really talk and that Santa was never real. It is the moment we lose our ability to believe.

There are children out there that are abused from such a tender age that they never experience the luxury of innocence; for them innocence was never the given the chance to manifest and they are never truly allowed to feel the beauty of it. I have found that like many my innocence was stripped at an early age, but I also know that my life is a simple thing that would interest no-one, the only fact worth registering is that I was born and really that is all that is necessary but I do what you to understand one thing the calm and put together facade doesn't say a whole lot about me, that is just the surface. Underneath the bravado like many others I want to believe that there will always be someone to fight the monsters under my bed and rescue me from the fire breathing dragon that has me caught in its grasp, but like innocence and childish whims eventually do they aged and faded away with time.

My emotions weren't always so over the place, and my insecurities never used to shine through, but somewhere along the road the words finally sink in; 'you're not good enough,' 'nobody wants or needs you here,' 'I know you are going to fail, you'll end up picking trash.' It's not long before you look in the mirror and wonder, is that truly what everyone sees? Then time passes and the words return again around the roundabout and you see it for yourself.

I guess you could say that I'm trying to race car out of the emotional roller coaster that I'm on; I'm trying to leave it in the rear-view mirror in a trail of my dust but like any form of healing it is going to take time and a whole load of expression. I really used to wonder sometimes why we have to grow up, why we eventually have to leave our cocoon to venture out into the world and now I finally understand. My purpose in life is quite simply; to get up in the morning and go to bed at night and in between hopefully occupy myself in the best way that I can. So what if things aren't perfect, and maybe Santa won't be climbing down my chimney but we live in an imperfect world and every imperfection is ours to wear as a badge of pride as we strive to move past it and be the best that we can be.

'Knowledge comes, but wisdom lingers, and I linger on the shore,

and the individual withers, and the world is more and more'

Locksley Hall - Alfred Tennyson