Anonymity

There is something beautiful about being anonymous, I know you are probably thinking that I can’t expect the fact that I’ve removed all evidence of  my name from my blog that now nobody knows that it is me. But I am happy in my delusions for the time being, because anonymity means I no longer have to omit details or outright lie because in my head nobody knows who the hell I am. I get to swear, talk about love, sex and rock and roll and nobody can tell me that it is wrong or blame me for being honest, something that everyone claims to want yet abhors the idea of being faced with it.

Right now I’m sitting in my bedroom with the cheesiest quote decaled on my wall surrounded by fairy lights ‘A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.’  Yeah right, because no matter how many steps you take things will only work if you take them in the right direction. Personally, I believe that taking a step into the unknown where anonymity is guaranteed is my best move, an opportunity to reinvent myself. It’s not about lying or trying to be someone else, it’s just about being me without all the drama and without having to be perfect or on my best behavior because there might be someone I know around to report back to the prison I call home.  

Don’t get me wrong that doesn’t mean that suddenly I will forget my friends or where I came from but one thing is for sure, University is my fresh start. If only I were abroad things would be even more isolated from my former life but not everything is perfect. They way I see it is, I’m going somewhere new where I will not just be tolerated but celebrated because lately people can’t see the value in me, and that just screams it is time for a fresh start.

Another thing that has been bothering me is the fact that family members seem to be over excited to the idea of marrying me off to a distant cousin in the Middle East. It seems for a partially Arab girl I am too Western, I appears that in my family being white/western is a bad thing, even though it was their choice to remain settled in the western hemisphere. But by all means, blame me for being so easily influenced by the culture around me, because at the end of the day I know who I am even if they are unwilling to accept that. So with this whole marriage after university thing on the table, seems like I am going to have to enjoy the hell out of my complicated (not so single) single life.

That being said, I have been looking for some sort of divine sign recently something I can aspire to or work for, anything that I could blindly follow into the dark to give me the meaning behind life. Unfortunately nothing is yet to provide such motivation or enlightenment. Instead I procrastinate; listen to music, watch movies and read books all creations that man made to increase expectations to an unattainable level.  Eventually it has come to the point that I have realized that although I crave perfection sometimes I just have to embrace imperfections because this world is far from perfect and I’m not all that innocent either. 

But I guess now that my head is filled with lost dreams, or maybe I’m just that little bit insane, whatever my affliction I know that they are my own, not dictated to me but instead revealed in the most honest way, through anonymity.  

I wanted to be liberated by invisibility a luxury many have forgotten the beauty of.

“In trying to be perfect, 
He perfected the art of anonymity, 
Became imperceptible 
And arrived nowhere from nowhere.”

Dejan Stojanovic